Long time...

Long time passed, but I'm doing much better... had a classic moment of clarity, I suppose. Still, the odd drink slips through the net, but I never thought I could be doing this... cheers!

Hope

Maybe today will be the day... maybe...

Horizon

It's exactly one month since my last post and nothing has changed... many failed attempts... very sad and depressing. Why am I so weak-willed?

That guilt feeling

It never goes, does it? Sneaky bastard! Why can't I just be normal? Why am I so obsessed with it? So what? What's a drink? Nothing! Why am I torturing myself so much over this? Why do I feel so guilty? Why? There is no reason. There are no reasons. It's all in my head. I just can't be normal.

Big mountain, small mountain

It's not always possible to achieve what you want in life, let alone in this life. Especially if we make our life difficult to climb. Big mountain, small mountain. It's up to us, isn't it? Still a fraud.

Still suffering

Says it all... get a grip!

My friend Cabernet

Sometimes it's impossible to get sober without resolving our inner problems or conflicts. But these same problems and conflicts are the ones that push us to drink. It's a vicious circle. Problems will never be solved by drinking or when drinking. I've learnt that. And at the same time I'm still not strong enough to stop drinking completely to solve them. When I get some length of time in sobriety, everything seems pointless because my problems are still there. And I start dreaming about that nice cabernet I could be drinking, to relieve the pain...

Heading South

Devastation. I'm devastated. So soon! Drunk some wine last night (a couple of glasses of jucy Sauvignon Blanc) and it all came back haunting me. Why did I drink? Boredom? Routine? Maybe. Don't know. Honestly. And I enjoyed it. But then welcome fear, remorse, guilt, hopelessness, anger, fury, sadness... I refuse to be defeated.

Desperation

Desperation seems to be the keyword somedays. Who am I? Who’s that sober man staring at me in the mirror? I just don’t recognise myself. It’s all a blur. I’m desperate for remission, forgiveness, support, comfort. And I don’t get any. Because I’m too proud to ask. I want to win this battle on my own, on my terms. I want to show everybody what I can do, my strengths and weaknesses, and defeat the monster inside me. When I can find my way out of this fog...

That sinking feeling

We - professionals of the bottle and relapses - know very well that feeling of sinking euphoria after a few days of sobriety, when the PAWS subside and we are left with the bleak reality of having to deal with your own feelings without our beloved medium... yes, we are stuck with ourselves, a person we hardly know, because we have tried our best to forget it, to drown it and pickle it in alcohol, together with all our feelings of anger, frustration, confusion and suicide. Let's just hope it won't last too long...

Jack The Fraud, or when the boy met the monster

Are there many blogs about fighting the bottle, sobriety and recovery? I don't know. I only know that writing a blog about my battle will perhaps contribute to my sobriety and, possibly, my recovery, a distant and painful horizon. I don't really care if nobody will read it, because I'm writing it for myself. As they say in sobriety speak, it's time to concentrate on myself. So, please follow me if you wish, but rest assured that I won't get distracted in my battle against the monster.